A beautiful successful woman came to an appointment with a psychotherapist Olga Lukina, who catastrophically does not get along with a personal life. At the first sessions it turned out that the problem is not in her partners, but in the client itself, or rather, in the events of the distant past, the memory of which she replaced from memory.
Continuation. Beginning see. By link.
For Katya, as for many of my customers, the importance of the connection of the past with specific problems of the current day is not obvious. Coming to me with a finished, executed request, Katya was waiting for analytical work on her relationship with David. She longed to "study" intimacy now. But did not understand that the solution of the problem lies at a much deeper level. I needed to re -conduct it through children’s experience. Call a spade a spade, find in the unconscious repressed feelings and children’s decisions about life and about yourself.
“Mom was the very first person in your life, with whom you were closely emotionally connected and which you really needed. It is on the basis of this experience that you made the first conclusions about life, love, intimacy with people, about yourself. You transfer this experience unconsciously to relationships with men. Sometimes you do not see the real David. You give him motives and features that he does not have. You accuse him of crimes that he did not commit ".
“But I’m not crazy! I know for sure that it hurts me when he does certain acts, ”Katya resisted. “I believe you. You do not invent feelings, they are real. But their reason is not David. He is only a screen for projections ".
A humiliating refusal
Katya came to the next session in a tense state. The aggression emanated from her, which she restrained with great difficulty. I did not have time to sit in a chair opposite, Katya almost shouted: “And you called this man worthy?!" -" Katya, what happened? I can give you my comments only if you tell everything in order ". – “We have not seen each other for three days!"-" Something happened?" – "Nothing special! Just David has a very serious project, with a difficult client. And he does not want to meet me! Under any pretext!"
Having opened the bag, Katya took out a brand new file, and from it – a four -folded piece of paper. "Here. This is his letter. Read. I think he is crazy ". – “Katya, you are sure that I can read it? After all, we are talking about personal correspondence ". – "Sure".
The letter was written in English, in a good, simple language:
“My dear Katya, it hurts me. I am in complete confusion. I have always experienced strong feelings for you and tried to be neat. All these days I think and cannot find anything in my actions that could make you doubt my sincerity and love. And even more so I find what could push you to the idea that I use you to satisfy my sexual needs.
I’m sorry, but I will be honest: I think something is happening to you. The closer we get, the more you have claims to me. Unreasonable claims. Sometimes I don’t feel your love at all, on the contrary, I feel stiffness, exactingness, I hear adamming in your voice. Sometimes it seems to me that you want to command me. Yesterday I was in shock: I was waiting for you to understand from you – at least a few kind words ..
My whole team is almost https://globalpharmacy24.com/drug/p-force-fort not sleeping for the fourth day. I myself cannot concentrate because my head hurts wildly. On this terrible evening, I would give a lot to just feel how you are stroking my head. But you poured a stream of completely unfair accusations on me. I’m not sure that I have ever dreamed about such a relationship. I hope you have cooled down. I want you to know: I have self -esteem. And if they step on him, my love begins to die. I’m in deep thought ".
A letter of an American guy made a great impression on me. These were the reasoning of a sensible person, an completely infrequent phenomenon in the midst of thirty years!
Another thing was clear: Katya could not yet appreciate his merits. In a relationship with David, she unconsciously took up the position of a little girl who does not ask, but demands – requires almost manic – the first place in the life of another person.
In conditions of a healthy family atmosphere, a child until a certain time gives the opportunity to be the center of the universe. And only after that parents begin to carefully “disconnect” the child from themselves, help him socialize. Only in this case, in the future, a minimum of communicative problems awaits him: he will grow capable of hearing himself and others. It will be easy to interact and get closer to people, but his emotional balance and well -being will not depend on the amount of extraneous attention.
Our session ended violently. Katya in an expressive manner continued to insist that David does not love her and showed a flagrant disrespect. I tried to give the counter -carriers as delicate as possible.
“Katya, the relationship that you call love would be more correct to call co -dependence. In a relationship, you take a huge place of power and control over a partner. And this is just what is killing love. My task is not to spare you, not to follow your childhood feelings. My task is to introduce you to these feelings. Show you how they, being unconscious, manage your life now, deforming it ".
How the trap works
Katya pondered my words, looking at the hands. “I will not hide it, no one said so with me before. I suddenly saw myself differently, became unpleasant for myself. I remembered how I screamed at David and humiliated him. I looked like a shimmering hyena ".
“Someday, this happened to you before?"" That’s the point that-no. I basically adhere to even intonations in conflicts. Once I swore to myself that I would never yell not people like my mother did. I decided that I would not look like it ".
“You managed to follow this children’s decision?"" To our scandal with David – yes. Lord, how so?! – Katya exclaimed it in her hearts. – I try not to resemble my mother all my life. But the more I communicate with you, the more clearly I understand that I am its exact copy. Horror. I don’t want to be a monster!"" Katya, you were not born "monster". It was painful and insulting to you when the mother behaved like this with her father and with you. But you were too small to confront her. Cruelty has become familiar to you. She became part of your "I". Moreover, you were forced to believe that this is a manifestation of interest in a person who will lead him to development ".
Recall grief
Katya was completely confused, trying to determine what a man should be, next to whom she could be happy. The image did not add up.
Her false “I” required ambitious, even stronger and aggressive than she herself, a man who probably could pacify her. In reality, with this type of men, she did not feel her beloved.
Professional flair and experience told me: this time the “blind zone” in the mind of Katya grew from her relationship with her father. There was definitely some kind of drama. In one of our sessions, I smoothly translated questions from David’s theme to her father.
“I am ashamed, but I remember little. Although when the dad was gone, I was already thirteen … but for some reason … alas. ". – “You have nothing to be ashamed. This is a natural phenomenon when children who have lost their parents and have not received protection and support try to forget about it as quickly as possible. So it’s easier for a child to survive. Katya, tell us what happened to your father, how he died?" – "I don’t want".
She shook her head completely childishly, even squinted slightly. I received a final confirmation that I am in direct contact with the child.
Tears fell from her eyes. I caught myself thinking that I see this for the first time: Katya sobbed, but even at such a moment, the will of will continued to control herself, – I sobbed, not making a sound.
“Once again, the parents had a lot of quarreling. Mother shouted that she could no longer be forced to feed her family, that she was tired, that she wants a normal life, normal clothes. On the shelf stood minerals that the father brought from the expeditions. She began to throw them on the floor. And the next day, dad was supposed to go on a business trip. So … He did not stay overnight for the first time. Collected things immediately after the scandal and left. Somewhere about five days, his friend called and said that dad had crashed. He fell off the cliff. From this moment, a nightmare began. The first days the mother did not cry, but howl. It seems for hours ". -“Someone spoke to you? Explained something? Supported?" -" No, I was sure that my mother was depressed. It cannot be touched. It was impossible to raise the theme of the death of his father, so as not to injure her once again ". – “How did you live your own grief?"-“ Sometimes she cried quietly, sat somewhere, hugged Jerry. He was already old by the moment. It seemed to me that Jerry understood me. He also suffered very much and missed dad ".
Father with two signs "minus"
Having giving a second life the once replaced by the memories, Katya looked at her father in a new way.
In fact, the only crime of this person was his helplessness before his wife. Next to her, he became as unprotected as Katya herself. But from all this it should not have been at all that he was a weak person. Perhaps he carried the mission of a peacekeeper. Perhaps the need to extinguish conflicts included in his ideas about love. One thing remained obvious: this man had the strength to love his wife. Love your daughter. Love work. From my point of view, he lacked inner freedom. He was a hostage to his own restrictions. It was they who pushed him to subordinate or riot.
Even in early childhood, the idea of the weak -edged father was rooted in Katya’s mind. Its delicacy, lack of aggression, romance, tenderness, rejection of conflicts began to be associated in a little girl with weakness. Katya clearly adopted this one -sided interpretation from her mother.
There was a second reason. Katya’s father, carrying the function of the peacekeeper, never defended his daughter from his wife’s attacks. Moreover, he asked Katya not to upset her mother. In the eyes of the child, this was a betrayal. The image of the father was marked by the double sign "Minus".
